Learn to trust your partner in the digital age: 3 ways to worry less and trust more
There is something exhilarating, relaxing, and deeply satisfying about trusting your partner. And yet, in these increasingly high-tech bear lives, trust seems more elusive than ever.
How do you know he’s not secretly sexting with someone he met online? Can you be sure he’s not flirting with his high school girlfriend on Facebook chat? Or maybe your partner spends so much time on the internet that it seems like a matter of time until cyber infidelity hits.
Especially since the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal in June 2011, a lot of discussion has taken place and a number of articles have been published on infidelity in the digital age.
According to research by Buss and Shackelford, 30-60% of married people in the US will commit infidelity during their marriage. Given the wide variety of relatively private modes of communication that digital devices offer today (text messages, chat, email …), an increasing number of affairs occur or start online. Are you worried that cyber infidelity will also ruin your relationship?
Learn to trust your partner
Living with concern and mistrust is not a way of life. Here are 3 things to consider that can help you release your worries and build more trust in your relationship.
1. Control is No Confidence. Know rather than control.
Some couples try to solve the problem of mistrust by controlling each other: “I want to have your password. I need to see your screen all the time. I should know who you are texting. Then I can relax.” Not really! You never ever relax like that. You worry, you control, you worry, you control, you worry, you control … True security is born from true confidence. The control is not hermetic.
Control is very different from confidence. Instead, knowing your partner can be helpful. When you know who they really are and how they might act when no one is watching, then you can really relax. Because the truth is that there will always be times when no one is looking.
Get to know your partner better. Discuss your values (eg commitment, monogamy). Check your votes. Ask each other questions. Express your needs, limits or concerns, for example, how would flirting with your partner feel, how you define cheating, could you survive the infidelity?
If you know your partner and there is something to worry about, you need to address it soon. What do you not trust? Have they lied or cheated in the past? Are they acting in unusually reserved ways? Are they suddenly avoiding intimacy with you? Do relationship problems bring distrust? If there is nothing to worry about, relax!
Rather than controlling, the antidote to concerns about infidelity in a mature relationship is to strengthen your relationship and develop real trust. Spend some quality time together, talk more, have fun!
2. Privacy is No Secret. Respect your partner’s privacy. Refuse the secret.
There is a misleading but important distinction that is sometimes confused when it comes to trust: privacy versus secrecy.
Privacy it’s about having healthy boundaries and respecting our own need and other people’s need for space. We have the right to privacy, including the privacy of our partners. We can also choose to waive that right. Privacy is not an issue. It goes without saying that privacy, personal space, and boundaries vary greatly from culture to culture.
Secret, on the other hand, it implies hiding or hiding. Unlike surprise welcome gifts or birthday parties, secrecy has a deceptive quality when one partner hides information that is important to the other partner in order to take care of himself. The secrecy then becomes a problem and the reserved behavior generates greater distrust and separation.
Trust and privacy can coexist. Trust and secrecy cannot.
When people trust and feel close to their partner, they tend to have a natural desire to share about their day and their contact with others. They choose to be less private. If your partner shares less than usual or avoids certain topics, there may be a trust issue, a personal issue, or perhaps something to hide. Either way, it may be time to reach out to your partner and do a relationship check-up. Openness is an essential element of true intimacy.
3. Is online behavior different from offline behavior? Think twice
There is a lot of talk these days about how people behave very differently online than offline due to increased privacy and anonymity. And somehow, there is some truth to that. But only up to a certain point. Sooner or later, the truth about someone’s character or behavior has a way of slipping through the cracks and shining through.
“How you do one thing is how you do everything”
Angel online, monster offline? Angel by day, monster by night? Think twice What you see offline is what you get online. So take a closer look for the signs. You can get clues to your partner’s online behavior by noticing their offline personality. Is your partner impulsive, flirtatious with other people offline, or attentive to you? See what’s there, not what you want to see. Believe in your observations. Trust your intuition. Check reality.
Bottom line: practice regular communication and nurture your relationship. A close and healthy relationship is a good protection against infidelity.
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