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A message from your new governor – That speech in its entirety – Part One

Greetings British!

As you know, my predecessor, Gordonicus Laborius (also known as “Gordonicus the Terrible because he was, well, bloody terrible) has graciously surrendered on his sword and it has been my honor, along with my Coalitium Desperandum cohorts, to have been chosen by to the Emperor for elevation to high office through the Festival of Dupus Electus.Therefore, I have seized the reins of power in this beleaguered Province.

It seems appropriate at this time to address you, the commoner masses, directly now that I have a few weeks in office and things are moving as smoothly as a loose cart on a steep incline and with high hopes awaiting my assumption of office. the governorate have completed their traditional evaporation.

The first thing I should point out – and let me be very clear about this – is that when I used the term “reins of power”, I was of course speaking symbolically: I have discovered that my high office does not actually wield power as such, except power to follow the dictates and edicts of his majesty Caesar Nefarius Vexus and the Illuminati of his imperial council, the Hiddum Agendum.

In truth, I did not know until I took office that there was an Emperor or a Hiddum Agendum, though I look back wistfully on the heady days when my responsibilities were merrily limited to sardonically heaping contempt for the hapless Gordononicus, glancing wisely in the footsteps of the Senate and dreaming of policies that sounded different from those that already had the state’s galley leaking below the waterline and rapidly sinking, I’m not sure how I managed to miss the blinding obvious.

The fact that almost everyone else in the country knew about it, thanks to the irresponsible agitations of the renegade faction, Conspiricus Theorus, who got slaves, craftsmen, commoners, and petty merchants of the land to hurl insults at the Televisium, was particularly upsetting. .

Why the hell didn’t anyone think to mention it to me? I can imagine the ousted Gordonicus laughing at my expense now that I’m well loaded.

But that’s life. I couldn’t be expected to know everything and there was little time in my busy schedule to gain an understanding of the economy, the real world we live in, or indeed the people who inhabit it. Furthermore we have hundreds of years of history to attest to the fact that these are not necessary skills for the leaders of nations.

Be that as it may, now that the Emperor has made himself known to me and the realities of life have stuck with me in no uncertain terms, I have had to make some minor adjustments to the plans that I and my co-governor, Nickus Cleggus, created when we thought that we would have actual control of a sovereign nation, rather than provincial administrators acting on behalf of the Empire (known as “The Union” or “Democracy”).

The main, very small, adjustment in our thinking has been to shift from making decisions and trying to run things to not making any decisions or doing anything unless the Emperor or his main agencies, like the World Debt Emporium or the Complex Militaria, tell them to. indicate. Industry.

Fortunately, many of our policies, known as “Adjustmens Cosmetix”, were more or less the same policies already used by Gordononicus and his predecessors: political and economic measures that had proved so successful in the bloodless subjugation of Britannia, his renunciation of the desire to live and their consequent incorporation into the Empire.

As such, these policies already carried the Imperial seal of approval, and Her Majesty likes people to come up with creative ideas on how to disguise the verbiage that surrounds them, or even hide them. That’s why I was chosen to be elected: the Emperor wants the regional administrators to represent his interests, deflecting the anger of the natives and so on, so that it at least looks like they can be blamed.

Very little had to change then, beyond dropping whatever great ideas we might have had about our position in the grand scheme of things and once we did that, we managed to fit haplessly but nevertheless disappointedly into the smooth turning gears and the grinding stones. of the imperial mill.

Our huge, sweeping vision that ignited the public imagination and set a majestic new horizon before the nation, to “balance the books by cutting all non-essential services, like hospitals, schools and the police, and galvanizing the citizenry of this great nation to penury”, had to go – well, at least the “balancing the books” part, which we’ve been told is actually impossible. The rest of our grand vision remains intact, and so we plan to push ahead with sweeping reforms that, like all the best reforms, will avoid introducing real change to the equation, except of course where we can make things worse.

Therefore, we are confident that we can reverse the failures of Gordononicus, whose rule sent the province sinking to the fifteenth most powerful place in the Imperium. We fully intend to see Britannia sweep to 16th or 17th position, though ultimately the fate of any given province largely depends on who, if anyone, the Emperor likes at the time.

Be that as it may, it is now my turn to address you as your Governor and inform you of all the great advances that the Empire to which it is subjugated has made and my immediate plans for this Province.

There is a lot of positive news to pass on to you, news that while it may not be cause for celebration, will at least convince you to keep your head down and refrain from rocking the boat.

The Loan Loan Guild and its global network of Debt Emporia have continued to prosper beyond all dreams of greed, while the agents of Onerus Incumtax, the Imperial Proconsul for Threats and Extortion, have devised ever more ingenious ways to extort the money. of the commoner money that the aforementioned mob would have wasted on food and clothing.

The apothecaries of the Pharmacopoeia, from whose ubiquitous dispensaries dispense magic pills and potions, known in popular parlance as Serius Sideffex, have thrown their doors wide open to the nation’s children and are thus prospering beyond belief. Or at least they would, if those same pills and potions didn’t rob their recipients of the onerous capacity for imagination.

It’s a similar success story for manufacturers of fortifications, tridents, claymores, slave collars, and tombstones, all of which report skyrocketing profits.

Which brings us to our peacekeeping operations: Britannian auxiliaries continue to defy friendly fire in their selfless and indeed often futile sacrifice in support of the legions of the Complex Militaria Industria, tirelessly fighting the hordes. barbarians who, under their leader Holdus Toransum, threaten at any moment to wipe out the Empire and impose on us the ignominy of not invading anyone. That support, I must add, shames the one that comes from other provinces like Gaul and Germany, which seem quite incapable of getting into the spirit of the thing.

Detractors may argue that our peacekeeping efforts have resulted in prolonged and incessant wars, but that surely is a small price to pay for our peace of mind, not to mention that it gives the public something to think about besides hanging their lords and masters. Furthermore, today’s peaceful sandal maker could easily turn into tomorrow’s blood-crazed terrorist unless we take firm steps to prevent it, preferably before the idea even crosses his mind.

(This direction continues in the second part)