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Why do I feel dirty and gross after my husband’s affair? – Hints and tips that can help

I recently heard from a wife who feared she was having an abnormal reaction as she dealt with the aftermath of her husband’s affair. While it was her husband who made the decision to have and then hide the affair, it was her wife who felt “dirty, guilty and disgusted.”

I couldn’t understand why these feelings arose. Intellectually, she knew this wasn’t her fault. She knew that it was her husband who should feel ashamed and hurt, but she couldn’t seem to help but take charge of these feelings. She was a bit confused about this and it bothered her, but I was able to assure her that these feelings are quite common and that there is a reason for them. Understanding the reasons could help her overcome them. I will discuss more about this matter in the next article.

Why you might feel dirty and repulsed dealing with (or after) your husband’s affair: In fact, I hear these things relatively regularly. Most people intellectually realize that it is their husband who should be experiencing these feelings and doubts, but that is not always how things work. My theory is that these negative feelings usually occur because the true processing and healing have not yet begun.

You’re usually at the point where you’re still reeling, still so angry you could spit nails and recoil every time you think of him trying to touch you when he’s done the same thing to some other stranger you perceive as quite obnoxious. . Yes, these reactions are negative and difficult, but I can assure you that they are completely normal and understandable. They say nothing about you except the fact that you are dealing with a very difficult situation.

It is very tempting to blame yourself. Many of us do this. Deep in our minds and deep in our hearts, we begin to wonder if maybe we should have given her more of the right kind of care. We wonder how we could have been so naive and unobservant to allow this to happen. We wonder if, if we had been a better wife, we could have escaped all of this. These thoughts are common and understandable, but they are a dead end (and they are also the beginning of guilt).

The past is the past. You can’t change it, no matter how long you dwell on it. It will be your actions today that define what happens in the future. Your reactions to the past are understandable, but they very rarely do anything to help you today and tomorrow.

Feeling upset seeing her husband after the affair: As I said, “dirty” or disgusted feelings are quite common. This is true for many reasons. On the one hand, you are furious and outraged by your husband’s betrayal. Anyone would be. This does not mean that he is wrong or flawed in any way. And on the other hand, you can’t stop thinking about this. When you look at him, it’s quite possible that all you can do is imagine him to be a liar and a fraud. Women often ask me if these feelings will ever go away. That really depends.

If you can work to determine the contributing factors and address them over time (while building strength and not blaming yourself), you will eventually begin to see this in a more objective and less personal way. Over time, you begin to see him almost as a third party once you are able to create and develop some distance. If this seems impossible to you now, know that this really only takes time and small steps. And often it’s quite gradual, so you often can’t see or feel it happening at the time.

It’s also important to note that many women tell me they get this disgust when they try to be intimate or affectionate too soon, when they can’t actually show genuine feelings. They’re going along with the motions or joining in because they think they should or because they desperately want things to get better, but once they start feeling these negative feelings, they sometimes wonder if their relationship is doomed, like everything else. appears to be falling apart at the seams.

What usually happens is that you are trying to force things and move on before you are ready. It is important to understand that an affair is a huge blow to a marriage. Many things must happen before you can continue comfortably. And often you’ll know when you’re stepping out of line or rushing because your discomfort will tell you. When you feel this disgust and “dirt”, what it is telling you is that you should wait, that there is more work to be done, that there are issues that need to be addressed and healed, but have not yet been resolved. .

There is absolutely no timeline for healing. It’s going to be a different time frame for each person. It helps if both parties are open, honest, and willing. Sometimes people do not arrive at this place at the same time. But you can help yourself by talking, being honest, and asking for exactly what you need. People often just hope that their spouse “just knows.” This leaves much to chance. As unfair as it may seem that you have to take the initiative, doing so often will give you a better result much sooner.