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Understanding Intimacy Styles

In these days, when most of us are at home, either alone or crowded with family members 24/7, each of us has different work or school demands on our time and space, different styles of intimacy can create a lot of discomfort. and we may not even realize that it is the styles of intimacy that we are fighting over.

Privacy

Privacy is your personal power to determine your own internal boundaries and how much of yourself you will share with others. Your private thoughts, your feelings, your personal correspondence, your sexuality, even bath time, and your clothing are areas where you may have different levels of comfort than other people. As with personal space, people have different privacy needs due to their past history. For example, if you grew up with many siblings or a close extended family that you valued sharing, your needs for personal privacy are not as great as those of someone who grew up as an only child or in an emotionally distant family. You have developed many skills to share spaces. In some families and cultures, respect for privacy and emotional reticence are highly valued. In others, crowding and sharing are common.

These differences are matters of style, not right or wrong. Either style, taken to an extreme, can become dysfunctional, such as when warmth, closeness, and caring become overbearing and stifling; or, conversely, when respect for privacy and emotional reticence become cold and suffocating.

Knowing how to move between the two modes, and being able to choose when and with whom to use each, is one of the skills that makes the difference between relationships that work and people who are in constant conflict.

Categories

We all have different categories of people in our lives. There are family, friends, co-workers, colleagues and acquaintances. And within each of these categories, there are levels of closeness. In your family, for example, you may feel closer and more comfortable with one sister or cousin than another. However, in your circle of friends, some may be much more trustworthy and warm than others. Even in business, some colleagues can be true friends, while others are more distant.

The differences in these relationships determine how much distance or closeness will work in them. Knowing how to exercise your privacy power will make a big difference in your relationship with your partner, and with your friends, family, and even business associates. The following exercise can help you understand your own style and make it easier for others to understand.

Oneself This exercise is to help you understand your own degree of intimacy.

Exercise: Intimacy Inventory

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do I prefer to be with other people or alone?

2. If someone else borrowed my clothes, would it feel good, like sharing, or nosy, like I’m being taken advantage of?

3. Do I like to be with one person at a time or do I prefer a group?

4. Would I rather talk to someone, listen to them, or read to myself?

5. Do I like to talk about my spouse with my friends?

6. Do I like it when my spouse tells his friends about me?

7. What boundaries do I want to set for talking with friends about relationships?

Asking yourself questions of this nature will help you know how much privacy or closeness you need. Once you know your personal privacy needs, you’ll be much more aware of what kind of intimacy feels good and when it doesn’t, in your various types of relationships.

others

To learn about the intimacy needs of your partner and other people you meet, observe them carefully:

• Who sits or stands closest to you at a party and who keeps some distance?

• Who shares a lot of personal information and who keeps personal data secret?

• Who is curious about you, who never asks?

• Who tends to touch people on the shoulder or arm, who hugs, and who never touches except for a handshake?

• Of your co-workers, who is all business and who likes to have friendly chats?

• Do you know siblings who share clothes and always talk about feelings?

• Do you know other siblings who hardly speak?

All of these details are clues to the privacy needs of the people around you. If you pay attention, people will demonstrate their level of tolerance for intimacy. Once you understand your own privacy needs and the difference between your needs and the needs of others, you’ll find that you can resolve privacy issues much more easily in all your relationships. Discussing the power of privacy will make you and your partner feel more comfortable with each other and with other people.

© 2020 Tina B. Tessina

adapted from: It Ends With You: Growing Out of Dysfunction https://tinyurl.com/5vb77v6b