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The Ultimate Guide to Engagement Phobic Men

Men with commitment phobia are masters at keeping you deceptively hooked on them.

Almost every woman has dated at least one commitment phobic man in her life. They are the ones who keep you waiting for the day when they finally agree to live with you or marry you or commit exclusively to you. But they never do. When you meet them, they are hard to resist because they compliment you and appeal to your vanity. And they lie. They lie about being in love with you, they lie about wanting to date you long term, they lie about not wanting just a sexual affair. And they don’t care.

Here are examples of commitment-phobic male behavior:

• You went out for a week and he tells you he loves you, next week you never hear from him again.
• You dated for a month and he tells you he just wants to go out with you, then you find out a friend saw him flirting at a party with someone else … the night he was too tired to go out with you
• You live with him for 8 years and he still doesn’t marry you
• He still doesn’t call you girlfriend and sees his mom more than he sees you, after a year of dating

Men with commitment phobia are men who cannot commit to you with the emotional intimacy of marriage or living together because they are emotionally attached to someone or something else that makes emotional intimacy with you impossible.

I know you’re thinking right now: “But how can I avoid these men when I don’t know if a guy has a commitment phobia until after they’ve been dating for weeks or months?

Actually, it’s easy to spot a man with a commitment phobia when you first meet him, simply by talking to him for a short period of time, even before dating him. You just need to know what behavioral traits to look for. You should focus on certain signals a guy gives you that are indications of commitment phobic problems. These “red flags” are obvious when you know what they are. But even if you know what they are, you must muster the inner strength to ignore the charismatic charm of a man with a commitment phobia, the allure of his compliments, and her codependent desire to care for him.

Don’t even give a guy like this a chance by dating him once, if possible. Once you date him, he will catch you with his bag of deceptive tricks and manipulate you into feeling a comfortable false sense of emotional intimacy by telling you “You are the woman I have always dreamed of finding.”

It is important to know the stratagems and manipulative behavior of these men. They have the ability to make a woman feel a “codependent” need to care for them by appealing to her need to feel special when caring for others. They paint themselves as helpless victims of past love affairs, failed past jobs, and abused parents; and this makes a woman feel vulnerable to wanting to “fix” their lives and be the one to finally make them happy.

If you were the one in your family who cared for the emotional needs of your parents or siblings, you will easily be drawn into the world of a man with a commitment phobia. I suggest you read books on codependency by Melodie Beatty and learn what codependency is. It is important to know if you are susceptible to the allure of commitment phobic men because of your codependent behavioral upbringing.

Men with commitment phobia hide behind a personality of charm and flattery towards women that completely camouflages how they really feel inside. Behind the charming facade of the external person of a man with a commitment phobia, there is a man who wants to control, cheat and abuse women. They are unhappy with their lives and often blame a woman from her past for ruining her. Of course, this guilt started with his mother and has now been transferred to another woman in his life. But they usually don’t realize that the first seed of hatred for women, and the desperate need for them, started with their mother.

These men do not trust women, like women, they do not respect women or admire them, they hate them. Many of these men are victims of verbal and sexual abuse as children. They have mothers who made their lives miserable, and now they will let out their anger and resentment on you.

When you first meet a man with a commitment phobia, he will have certain behavioral traits that infiltrate his façade of flattery towards you. It’s important to view these traits as red flags that indicate how potentially disastrous dating a man like this can be. These initial behavioral traits may seem innocent enough, but they are telltale signs of bigger trouble to come. I call them First Stage Behavioral Traits because this is the behavior you can detect when you first meet or date a commitment phobic person.

Behavioral traits of the first stage of commitment phobic men:

Behavioral Trait # 1: You will highlight insecure women who need attention and compliments to feel good about their life. Then he will say something to a woman that is a bit inappropriate about how attractive she looks sexually. This helps them find the woman who will tolerate their problems because their self-esteem is tied to someone else’s opinion of them. This is the kind of woman they can control. The woman who doesn’t walk away in disgust is his next victim.

Behavioral Trait # 2 You will keep the truth about your past life, your finances, your past relationships, your relationship with your mother, and how you really feel about your commitment to you. The real him will be well hidden from your outside view. Most men with commitment phobia have deep feelings of shame about themselves and their life, and will hide that shame by doing things to hide the truth about their life.

A commitment phobic guy I dated didn’t have a decent car, so he used his mother’s car to impress me, but she never told me he was using her car until a month after dating him. Another guy I dated took me to an expensive restaurant on a first blind date and constantly tipped waiters with large bills. Then I realized, on the second date, that he really couldn’t afford to be so extravagant when I saw his “decadent” apartment lifestyle. He had to give me a false impression of having a lot of money, as if that night was clouding my ability to see his dingy apartment.

There’s nothing wrong with a guy wanting to impress you on a date by taking you out to a nice restaurant or driving his parents’ car. But there’s something wrong with a guy deliberately presenting himself as someone that isn’t just to prevent you from meeting the real him. If you have to hide facts about your life from you, you are not honest, regardless of the reason you do so. Unfortunately, many women who are dating commitment phobic men for the first time pick up on a hoax and then make excuses as to why they did it. They don’t realize that once you accept any deception, you will have to deal with big lies and secrets to come.

Behavioral trait n. # 3: You can never have a conversation with him about what your relationship goals are. It will act uncomfortable and sometimes visibly annoying. If you feel like he’s not open to a future that includes the kind of commitment you’re looking for from a man, don’t consider dating him. Men who do not commit in relationships will show you by their facial expression and behavior, when you bring up the subject of commitment, that it is a subject that they are not interested in discussing. You must realize that she has commitment issues when she freezes when you talk about what you are looking for in a long-term relationship. And if he tells you that he never wants to get married, he’s doing you a huge favor. Believe it and do not think that you can change it, no matter how much he tells you “you are the woman of his dreams”. Don’t even consider being who that loving wife he never found will be. Remember this: With commitment phobic men, it’s not just what they say that matters; It is their attitude on certain issues and what you feel they are hiding from you. It’s that haunting feeling inside you that this guy isn’t being totally honest with you.

If you continue to date a guy like this, you will have accepted a behavior that already sets the tone for how he will continue to treat you, which will be all about what he cares about. Many women feel that they have no right to talk about the needs of their relationship when they first meet a man. They feel that they will scare the boy because he will immediately think that they want to marry him. Wrong! This is the time when you should talk about what you want in life. If you don’t tell a boy that you want to get married and have children one day, you will give up your right to hope to get it in the future as far as he is concerned. Men with commitment phobia don’t waste time with women who confidently state that they want to get married and have children. It is the surest way to see them disappear.

Behavioral Trait # 4: Another surefire sign that a man has a commitment phobia is when he will never do anything on time and will always change the time and day of his appointment or be late for his appointment. Nor will he ever agree with your suggestion about the date. If he makes a decision about the movie he wants to see or the restaurant he wants to go to, he will want to try a different one. If you accept this behavior, he will continue to act in a controlling way with you, never focusing on pleasing you in the relationship. Of course, you may not notice these early signs when he keeps telling you how beautiful you are and that he can’t wait to make love to you. You won’t mind that he’s always late when he flatters you all the time, right? You are establishing control of the relationship; one that gives you the right to dictate what the terms of the relationship will be. And those terms will not include engaging with you.

Behavioral Trait # 5: It will make you feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet. He will fill you with his desire for you and will compliment you to the extreme. He will tell you that you are the only woman who understands him, makes him feel such an intense attraction, and that he knows that he will fall in love with you because you are the woman of his dreams (if he is not in love with you already). This is all to distract you from meeting the real person behind those compliments, from seeing all those hoaxes and false pretenses.

Behavioral trait n. # 6: He will have a dependent personality, which means that he will need you to take care of him and will only appreciate you when you do things for him. He will portray himself as a victim of life with bad luck and mean and cruel women. “Thank God he finally found you” will be his motto. That is, until he gets bored with you and passes on to someone else. And even if he doesn’t, he will never commit to you or satisfy you emotionally. He will put you on the pile of all those other cruel women who never understand or care about him. And all you’ll feel when he moves on is how much they used you and didn’t appreciate you.

It’s easy to spot a man with a commitment phobia when he notices these behavioral traits. Usually the first behavioral trait is hard to spot until you’ve dated him for a while and you realize the real truth about his life and past. But the other behavioral traits are immediately apparent: her constant barrage of compliments and makes you feel like the woman of her dreams; your first comment that you are inappropriate about your physical appearance (or inappropriate touching); your victim mentality about past relationships; her reluctant, almost angry attitude about talking about commitment in a relationship, her constant monitoring of how the two of you spend time together by always being late and wanting to change plans and never letting you decide what to do on a date.

These behavioral traits may seem harmless and insignificant, but they are red flags for serious trouble to come.

Watch the signs, and when he does, close the door on his chance to hang out with you. You deserve a man who offers you much more.