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The Funniest (and Stupidest) Quotes of 2006 from Funnypoetry.Com – Sports, Entertainment & More

“This week, a 100-year-old Tennessee man married a third time, this time to a 68-year-old woman. When asked why he was marrying a woman 32 years his junior, the man said, ‘Yes, I’d love a sandwich.'”
– Weekend Update’s Amy Poehler on Saturday Night Live

“I really believe in infrastructure spending… I pay off my shoes in 20 years.”
– Carole Taylor, Minister of Finance for Canada’s BC Province, explains why she wore new $600 Gucci shoes when presenting the annual budget.

“We wanted to keep him off the bases.”
– Manager Charlie Manuel (Phillies) explains Jose Reyes’ (Mets) three home runs in one game.

Q: “You are the player. We like to hear it from the horse’s mouth.” A: (Roddick): “Go buy a horse.”

“Well, I really think it busts the myth of white supremacy once and for all!”
– Rep. Charlie Rangel, after being asked his opinion on President George W. Bush

“I was able to have fun and socialize at the Olympic level.”
– Bode Miller, the US Olympian skier who went zero out of five in Olympic gold.

“Should I go find a ruler?”
-Kate from LOST [Evangeline Lilly]editorializes about a testosterone contest between Jack [Matthew Fox] and Sawyer [Josh Holloway].

“My number one goal is not to go to jail.”
– Congresswoman-elect Michele Bachmann (R, MN)

“If you’re not electing Christians, then in essence you’re going to legislate sin.”
– Representative Katherine Harris (R, FL)

“Paddy was in the wrong place at the wrong time – from the looks of the photographs, he was also with someone who was more Hungarian than him.”
– Neil Warnock discusses (the Sheffield United goalkeeper) the loss of an eyebrow to a bite from Paddy Kenny in a restaurant.

“I’ve noticed a marked difference in the way people respond to me when I wear my colors.”
– testimony from Hells Angels member Ricky Ciarniello in a legal action against an Ontario, Canada court decision that the Angels constitute a criminal organization, saying this unfairly exposes him to fear, hate and ridicule. The ruling stood. (The original Canadian spelling of “colors” here is not a mistake, or at least, it is already very old.)

“Drowning has always been my biggest fear.”
– Janina Peters, lifeguard.

“Russian women are not very good at figure skating. They are good at building railways in Siberia, for example.”
– Alexei Mishin, coach of champion Evgeni Plushenko.

“I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today, he would be doing the same thing.”
– Madonna justifies including mock crucifixion in her theatrical performances.

“Cheney’s defense is that he was aiming for a quail when he shot the guy: which means Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton.”
-Jay Leno

Tennis star Roddick on playing with the retiring Agassi :Q: “Are you relieved that [it] won’t it happen?” A: (Roddick): “Obviously you want to play against your idols, but you also don’t want to be the guy who shot Bambi.”

“A big city feel, but redneck friendly.”
– tourism slogan suggested by Chairman Tim Newman of the Charlotte, NC, USA Regional Visitors Authority.

“He scares the hell out of our German Shepherd when we’re at home, so we come here.”
– Sue Mihalyi, explaining why she and her husband Mark watch Steeler games at a local Pittsburgh restaurant. The Steelers won the Superbowl in 2006 without their rug suffering.

“Your son, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, so for the first year you are just a curiosity. Over the years, you will become an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. And finally, a bench.”
– Things a man should know about fatherhood, Esquire magazine

“[African-American Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has made] a race of slavish support for the Republican Party”.
-Steny Hoyer, (D, MD)

“Stay away from Australian women or else you will end up in prison.”
– advice to your athletes from Uganda’s sports director

“She’s pretty aggressive on our cars. Especially if you catch her at the right time of the month; she could be trading a lot of paint.”
– Ed Carpenter, real life race car driver, describes Danica Patrick.

“I’m glad he’s showing some personality.”

– Danica Patrick on Ed Carpenter, later that day.

Madonna on her reputation for being difficult: “What’s the difference between a pop star and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.”

“I told the producers that I would give my left nut to present this.”
– Lance Armstrong, opening the 2006 ESPY Awards

“Activities that are not compatible with Western standards.”
– ABC news is politically correct in describing Hamas suicide bombings.

“He is a very wise and very strong man, although perhaps not as much as his father Barbara.”
– Borat describes the president

“I don’t support our troops… When you volunteer for the US military, you almost know you’re not going to defend yourself against invasions from Mexico and Canada.”
– Joel Stein, Los Angeles Times columnist

“I said a little prayer before I did the fingerprint and image thing, and my prayer was basically, ‘Let people see Christ through me and let me smile.'”
– (Former Republican House Majority Leader) Tom DeLay receives his mugshot.

“Another thing I learned about Secretary Rice is that she loves the cool Atlantic breeze here in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night.”
– Canada’s Conservative Foreign Minister Peter MacKay amid rumors that the two were on to something.

“When you invite people over, you don’t have to tell them that this is a cold place.”
– Canada’s BC Premier Gordon Campbell trying to tone down the 2010 Olympic promos.

“Of course, some of them could be cops just watching the game and not responding.”
– Geoffrey Alpert, criminologist at the University of South Carolina, on (his) research showing a drop in crime during the Super Bowl.

“We ship to all correctional institutions.”
– The sign of an American bookstore, in the age of the Internet.

“The public has no right to know anything.”
– RCMP spokesman Sergeant John Ward answers questions from reporters about the death in custody of Ian Bush.

Q: “How different was it to hold that plate today than it was in Australia?” Amelia Mauresmo: “It’s a different trophy. It’s round, it’s smaller.”

“Thanks to all the perverts who voted for me.”
– Jessica Alba, accepting MTV’s award for Sexiest Performance in a Movie (Sin City).

“For some people, playing a bipolar nympho may have been challenging, but for me, I think I just played myself.”
– Isla Fisher, accepting the MTV award for Outstanding Performance of the Year (Wedding Crashers).

“The publication of these cartoons will shake the world. If they don’t stop, there will be fire all over the world.”
– English Islamic leader Dr. Azam Tamimi

“1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d to0 g37 l41d!”
– t-shirt

“I believe that a relationship with a partner is intensely personal and I prefer to keep it that way.”
– Paul McCartney (at the beginning of the divorce).

“We’ve been through more hardship than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.”
– Homer to Marge, about marriage counseling, on The Simpsons

“To the vice president’s credit, he admitted it: on FOX News he said it was his fault; he can’t blame anyone else. Wow, that’s unbelievable, the only time you get accountability from this administration is when they’re actually holding a smoking gun “.
-Bill Maher

“Any major Republican who comes out and says they didn’t know me is almost certainly lying.”
– convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff

“It’s hard to forget the day you gave up your Independence.”
– Greg Zamlule, a US citizen, explains why he chose to get married on the 4th of July, the same day he participated in a 5k race.
“There is always the possibility that he will continue to run.”
– his fiancée, Leslie Evans.

“We want to make it clear that if the Pope does not appear on television and apologize for his comments, we will blow up all the churches in Gaza.”
– a response from the Sword of Islam terrorists, distraught by the Pope’s speech that seemed to associate Islam and violence centuries ago.

“You can always have new teeth.”
– Teemu Selanne, Finnish hockey player who sacrificed three targets during a quarterfinal with the USA.

“Is McDreamy doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!”
-George on Grey’s Anatomy

“It’s just basketball. They’re not the big bad wolf and we’re not the three little pigs. We’re all grown men.”
– Cavaliers forward LeBron James with Detroit

“Here we have an organization supposedly dedicated to preventing cruelty that actually inflicts cruelty on an animal to raise money to supposedly prevent cruelty to animals.”
– Paul Watson, founder of the Sea Shepherd Society in Prince Rupert, BC, the SPCA plan to host a crab boil to raise money for the animal shelter.

“In the West Bank, a group calling itself the Lions of Monotheism bombed four churches, telling the Associated Press: ‘The attacks…were carried out to protest the Pope’s comments linking Islam and violence.’ The irony, and we find this is often the case, was completely lost on them.”
-Jon Stewart of The Daily Show

“Yeah, he seemed sorry when he was out making donuts.”
– Matt Kenseth rejects an apology from Jeff Gordon, who pushed Kenseth out of the way at Chicagoland Speedway.

“Years ago, they used to go out and fight and run and chase each other with a jackhammer and stuff like that. Those were the good old days.”
– Dale Earnhardt Jr., on track etiquette in the days before NASCAR sponsors became concerned about driver conduct.

“You would. Puppies die.”
– The character from LOST Sawyer [Josh Holloway] summarizes “Of Mice and Men” for Henry Gale [Michael Emerson] (A rabbit killer.)

“After 45 years of this crap, I’ve only just begun to enjoy it.”
– Pete Townshend, WHO sums up a career.

“Football is a tough business, and aren’t they prima donnas?”
-Queen Elizabeth II

And that’s FunnyPoetry.com’s roundup of funny quotes for 2006, the year Britain finally paid off the last of the money it borrowed from the US and Canada during World War II, according to CNN. And why did it take so long? The interest rate was 2%, that’s why. (By the way, Britain’s debts during World War I were never fully paid.) Fast forward to 2007, which looks ripe for many more great quotes—if only because 25% of Americans expect Jesus to return in the next year according to an Associated Press-AOL News poll.