My spouse feels that our marriage is not balanced; he thinks he loves me more than i love him
Sometimes I hear from people who have heard their spouse accuse them of having an unequal relationship. Often one spouse accuses the other of not having the same kind of feelings that they themselves have. It is almost as if the spouse making the charges is keeping score and no matter what the other says, the accusing spouse does not feel adequately loved. This can make the spouse who is being accused of not loving their spouse properly feel like they can’t win.
I can hear a comment like, “My husband tells me that I don’t love him enough. He tells me that he loves me more than I love him. He says that when he goes to kiss me or show me affection, he literally watches me walk away. He says that when we make love, he doesn’t think I’d have a physical reaction. He says he doesn’t think I’m physically attracted to him. I’m not entirely surprised by this. “He’s been trying to get me to show him more affection for years, especially in public and with other couples. I must say that I am not a very demonstrative person. I am very introverted and uncomfortable with public displays of affection. I’m not the type of person who will shower anyone with kisses. I must admit that I had a very passionate relationship in college with a man I loved so much that I almost lost control of myself. In that relationship, I couldn’t show this man enough affection, but the relationship wasn’t healthy. And I’ve never been the same with anyone else because of that relationship. I have matured now and I believe that my husband and I have a mature love. I love it. I honestly do. But I don’t feel the need to act like a teenager and it makes me a little angry and upset that he asks me for this. How insecure do you have to be to try to blame or shame your spouse into giving you more than he is comfortable with? It’s getting to the point where I’m considering ending my marriage. Because no matter how much I assure my husband that I really love him, it’s never enough. It is like a cup that can never be filled. And I don’t find this kind of need attractive. It’s too insecure and I hate dealing with it. How can I make him believe that he loves him? Even though I don’t show him as much love as he does, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him as much as he loves me. And why the need to keep score anyway?”
This is not an uncommon situation, but it is probably not one that cannot be overcome. This is like any situation where the spouses disagree. You have to find a compromise, but what is more important than that is to find a compromise that you can both be happy with. If a spouse feels that they have been asked to give too much, there will be resentment and they will not be able to give freely. But if he feels that he is getting more than he is giving, then he is much more likely to be willing to give what might make his spouse happy. Now I will offer some suggestions on how you might negotiate this issue.
Ask for details: I suspect that one of the biggest frustrations the wife had was that this husband was talking about his unhappiness in generalities. He could vaguely tell her that he wanted her to show him more affection, but she needed to know, very specifically, how she expects it to look or play out. Did he mean that he wanted her to spontaneously hug and kiss him more often when they were in public? Or would he be happy if she were more loving and enthusiastic in the privacy of her own home? Because oftentimes, it’s not really the screens she’s worried about, even if that’s what she claims.
What you often feel you lack is the feeling of acceptance, desire and appreciation. You don’t necessarily have to put on a show of yourself in public to pull this off. It could be just little tweaks that would make you happy.
Obviously this wife really loved her husband and somehow that was getting lost in translation. So maybe it was time to have a very open and honest discussion about this. She might say something like, “In a way, it hurts and confuses me that you don’t feel like I love you as much as you love me. I can tell you that I love you just as much. I know I’m not the most demonstrative person, but I want you to know that I love you. And I’m wondering what specifically you need from me to feel more loved and appreciated. I’m more than willing to work with you to establish some behaviors that will make you feel better. I don’t want you to feel any doubt about my love for you. At the same time , I don’t want to get into a situation where I’m trying really hard to make progress and you don’t feel any effort because what I’m doing isn’t working. So can we talk about what exactly you need from me? That way I’ll know that whatever you do is really going to work”.
Allow your husband to respond without interrupting. If she reads between the lines, she will often be able to determine what she really wants. She probably just wants to feel validated. And she will have to give you more information so that she can do this effectively. But frankly, it’s often worth the effort. When two people love each other as these two obviously did, there was reason to be hopeful that they might find a workable compromise.
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