How to motivate your children and how not to do it!
Chaim Ginott was a school teacher whose ideas and observations helped spark a revolution in the way teachers interact with their young students.
Later he practiced as a psychologist.
The phone rang, he recounts in one of his books, early on the Monday after Thanksgiving weekend. The woman on the line was clearly very agitated.
“Try to figure this out, if you can!” she pleaded.
“There we were in the car, the whole family. We drove four hundred miles, from Pittsburgh to New York. In the back of the car, little Iván behaved like an angel, calm and lost in his thoughts.
“I said to myself, ‘He deserves some praise.’
“Just as we entered the Lincoln Tunnel, I turned to him and said, ‘You’re a good boy, Ivan. I’m proud of you’.
“A minute later, the sky fell on us…
“Ivan pulled out an ashtray and spilled its contents on us. The ashes, cigarette butts and smoke kept pouring out, like atomic fallout. We were in the tunnel with heavy traffic and we were suffocating. If it wasn’t for the cars at our around, I could have killed him!
“And what burned me was that I had just praised him. Isn’t praise good for children anymore?”
Ivan himself solved the mystery a few weeks later, in Ginott’s office.
All the way home he had been wondering how to get rid of his little brother, who was huddled between mother and father in front of the car.
Finally, he came up with the idea that if his car was hit in the middle, he and his parents would be safe, but the baby would be cut in two!
At that time his mother had congratulated him for being so good. His praise made him feel guilty. He felt that he had to prove that he didn’t deserve it. he looked around and saw the ashtray. The rest followed automatically.
Praise can be a very powerful motivator. We know. Workplace managers and supervisors know this, and adults who have had some success training children certainly do. Parents and educators have few weapons in their arsenal as powerful as praise.
However, its correct use is a skill that needs to be learned, like any other. Any weapon that is not controlled is an instrument of destruction. I have cited an extreme case here to make the point clear. But hopefully, make the point you do.
Chaim Ginott was a strong believer in what he called “congruent communication.” “Congruent” means “consistent” or “harmonious.” What he meant by the phrase is that our communication must be consistent or in harmony with our ultimate goals.
Well, what’s new? Sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, for many of us it’s not that simple. No problem.
I read about someone who remembered how he struggled with math when he was in elementary school. Sensing her daughter’s frustration, her mother took her to her side and well-meaning encouraged her:
“No one in our family is good at math. I wasn’t good at math, your sister isn’t good at math. No wonder you’re having a hard time. I’m sure you’ll be good at something else.” .”
Comfort? Maybe. But if at the age of 30 or 40, the struggling former student still had the mathematical ability of an average 10-year-old, would he be much surprised?
The useless or unproductive messages that young people receive from their elders take many different forms.
A friend recently told me that his eleven-year-old son was unusually moody and subdued for a few weeks. It took him a while to realize that something must be bothering the boy at school. At first, the boy insisted that everything was fine, but eventually he blurted it out.
He sadly explained that his teacher kept pestering him with comments like:
“Another low grade on this week’s exam. You could do a lot better, if you really wanted to.”
“You say you find it hard to concentrate in class? If you really wanted to, I’m sure you could…”
“Dad,” groaned the unlucky student. “I just don’t get this ‘if you wanted’ thing. Can it be possible? Does my teacher REALLY think I don’t care? Surely he must know how much I’d like to be a better student, if only I could?”
Fortunately, this story had a happy ending. The father had a friendly and candid talk with the teacher, who understood where he might have been making a mistake. Before long, the teacher’s comments had changed to:
“Your test grade this week was two percent better. Now that you’re up, maybe you can handle another two percent rise next week?”
“You’ve been concentrating for a solid twenty minutes this morning. You see yourself that you can do it. Now try driving for another ten minutes!”
Happy Days!
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