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How to get rid of Hickeys through the Zodiac

Hickeys? Are they still out there?

I remember having little hickeys. I remember having big hickeys. And I remember having light and dark hickeys too. What I don’t remember is that I ever had a hickey that wasn’t on my neck, but I wonder, Where is your hickey?

Sorry, but I couldn’t astrologically resist this humorous theme. I read in a recent newsletter sent to my email inbox that this question, How to get rid of a hickey, turned out to be a high-volume Google search last month. I couldn’t stop laughing, but it also brought back a flood of memories.

One memory that I was reluctant to recall was that of that old folk method that required cutting a small hole near the hickey and allowing a leech, attached to your hickey, to suck the blood that made up your hickey. If you’ve also heard of this method and are thinking about it, you may have a more serious problem than the hickey itself.

Where the hell are you going to get the leech in the first place? And if you could find a leech, where the hell is the hickey? Because there are some places leeches don’t belong.

Are you feeling me here?

Now, the urgency to get rid of a hickey depends on where on the body the hickey is located, right? Right. Well, there is the hickey on the neck. There’s the boobie hickey. Then there’s the really horny hickey — which is the one you have on your inner thigh; but from what I can understand the problem, the hickey and the hickey on the inner thigh are really only a big problem if you are married or exclusively intimate with someone other than the one who gave you the hickey.

If it’s you, get out of town. Objective,

If you are single and you just need to hide the hickey from your parents, co-workers or your next date; As far as I know, there really is no way to get rid of a hickey. I used to grab a long tooth comb and tried combing them out, but that only made it worse.

A turtleneck or scarf is the only answer.

Sadly, a hickey will only go away completely on its own. But maybe you can get some help or at least a laugh on How to get rid of a hickey according to your sun sign.

Let’s take a look at all twelve.

Aries people should just fall off and injure their heads so the doctor can wrap them up and divert attention from the hickey.

Taurus people should buy more turtlenecks. If it’s summer, make them sleeveless.

Gemini people should keep talking and asking questions so that a potential hickey watcher doesn’t get a chance to notice the hickey, just mistake them for jibber-jabber.

Cancer people should enjoy the feeling that the hickey brings to both the mind and the heart; and do a week of stay-at-home.

Lion people, depending on the dignity of their Sun position in the birth chart, will love to show their hickey or subtly hide it while checking it from time to time in the bathroom so they can say, “Wow, that’s a big dummy.”

Virgo people? “Oh no, please don’t give Virgo a hickey.” You will lose them completely and hiding it will become your next full-time job.

Libra people are “visibly” nice, but secretly mischievous, so they’ll find a clever way to hide their hickey one moment only to take advantage of a quick show of their hickey the next. These folks will really design the right clothes for the hickey-wearing occasion.

Scorpion people can just hang up the “Do not disturb” sign on the bedroom door knob. Parents will not notice the difference as they are used to this inmate’s behavior. But make sure that he will discover your passionate revenge.

Sagittarius people will probably get caught because her carefree and ‘out there’ personality can’t help but let her stay there for all to see, unless of course it’s the weekend and they can leave town until it fades away.

Capricorn people will never experience a hickey. They are the only zodiac sign that is still trying to have a moment to hold hands in public.

Aquarium people don’t care if you see it or not. They’re already thinking about starting a website that’s all about hickeys … like How to Get Them. How to keep them. And how to measure their width, height, and color depth so they can enter your Photo Hickey of the Month contest.

Pisces People will fall in love with their hickey by trying different shades of foundation to create the illusion that the hickey isn’t really there, but all the time these star signs are intently waiting for the next hickey-making episode.