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How to be on America’s Got Talent

1. Hearing
2. Being talented or…
3. Be an attractive contestant
4. Pass the psychological evaluation
5. Play the role
6. When you go, don’t go quietly
7. Repeat the process

1. Hearing
Whether it’s for American Idol, Survivor, Big Brother, America’s Got Talent, or any of the many shows looking for enthusiastic contestants, you can’t get in without an audition. If you are a singer, choose a song within your range. If you’re a magician, do a trick that’s guaranteed to work. If you’re a juggler, go flashy, preferably something with fire. And if you’re a mime, move to France.
Be courteous in the room, don’t brag, swear or yell when you’re cut off. If they tell you it’s the end of the road, walk out with dignity. There is no need to compound the humiliation by having your crisis nationally televised. STILL.

Never touch the judges while they are performing, avoid strong perfumes, but please shower. And above all, dress carefully. Don’t risk any more teasing by dressing like a corpse or a stripper.

2. Be talented…
As you can imagine, this step is important. Usually. As a singer, choose a song that showcases the best parts of your range. Don’t try to hit notes you’ve never hit before; this is not the time for that. It’s a good idea to practice beforehand in front of friends and family, so your audition isn’t the first time you sing it outside of the shower. Nerves can kill 50% of your preparation, so it’s important to be 150% prepared. If singing isn’t your forte, find a skill that is. Whether it’s dancing, juggling, magic or cooking, choose the skill you believe in, not the skill you might half-possess on a good day. If talent is not your forte… continue with step 3.

3. Be a compelling contestant.
I mean, be interesting. And I mean very, very interesting. You need a great backstory here, and the danger of making it up is that you’ll probably get found out, but if you’re willing to take that risk, go for it! If you’ve beaten unbelievable odds, tell him about it. If you used to be a man, tell her! If you grew up with a debilitating fear of clowns and now juggle with the circus, we want to know about it. Stun us. In a good way. If your criminal record is the most compelling thing about you, this may not be the scenario for you.

4. Pass the psychological evaluation.
This one is out of your hands, up to a point. A trained psychologist is in charge here. The evaluation is done in the later stages of the audition process, to gauge how well you will withstand a pressure situation. Producers love a little craziness, but not A LOT of craziness. He is not a “criminally responsible” madman. They will assess every nook and cranny of your personality when you interact with others. Do you fly out of control in the blink of an eye? Are you always the first person to break down in tears? Drama Queen may be great, Homicidal Maniac may not. Your criminal record should have been checked at this point and cleared up so you can move forward. The psychologist is there to determine how well you will relate to the other contestants. Are you cunning, snobbish, aggressive, shy? Would you be the initiator of the fight in the house or the peacemaker? Everyone has a role. You can’t have a tribe of eight fight starters or you could wear out the audience at home. The key for producers is to have the perfect combination of personalities. Your key is to pick one and stick with it.

5. Play the part.
Once you are officially a contestant, the game begins. You have a role to play and it’s time to play it to the end. It’s all about camera time. Throwing a tantrum in the kitchen or hiding trail mix from the team for no reason. Have the camera crew follow you. Be that convincing. If you are the peacemaker, do a lot of talking head interviews about group dynamics, about wanting everyone to get along. Talk to other contestants off the ledge. Agree to sleep near the jungle latrine when no one else does. This gives you underdog status, and everyone loves an underdog. Except your teammates, who can quickly kick you off the island. Choose an element of your personality and extend it. Your job is to “make good TV” without seeming like you’re doing it on purpose. To survive after Survivor, make the most of your time on the island. And when your time comes, and your tiki torch goes out… to quote a Welsh poet: “Don’t go sweetly into that good night.” Which brings us to…

6. When you go, don’t go quietly.
Contrary to the dignity you are advised to display at your audition, this is the time to let your freak flag fly. I regret, I sob, promise America that the game is not over, that you will come back! Shoot sinister scowling glances at your former comrades, the ones who just betrayed you. It implies that you have the knowledge to bring down every one of them, that there has been a miscarriage of justice, that one day the world will know who really won. Unless you’re on a talent-based show, like American Idol, America’s Got Talent, or Project Runway and the like. In that case, replace your crisis with a worthy, self-promoting snap about how America knows what a star you are, how you’ll drop your first single on YouTube a month from now. Declare yourself the best to hit country music as the credits roll and the band tries to kick you off the stage. Raise both arms in a victory pose so anyone speeding through the house show can mistake you for the victor. When you feel like your demise on the show is near, start wearing a t-shirt with your website on it and ask for donations the next day. Whatever the reality show, use that last minute of guaranteed fame as a springboard for the next one. Do not waste it. It is his final interaction with several million viewers. Make the moment count.

7. And… Repeat
You’ve been kicked out, refused a rose, voted off the island. You left with a flourish only to return home to find that no one treats you any different. The camera crews are gone, the limousines are no longer out front, the steady stream of booze has dried up, and no one seems to care. STILL. This is an important window before the show airs, and it’s crucial to get back on the horse. Get out there, audition again, audition for every new reality show that comes along. When the show premieres, you will taste the fame and your job is to spread it in any way you can. Present yourself to anyone who will listen as the most worthy player in a spin-off. Aim for various shows and work on the skills needed to play the game. Keep your fan base alive through Facebook and Twitter – post all your auditions online. And if all else fails, star in your own reality show. Even if it’s only in your mind.

by Suz Parker