False Loyalty in Emotionally Abusive Relationships: 3 Ways Loyalty Is Misapplied
It is common for people in an emotionally abusive relationship to struggle to leave. Sometimes it seems that no matter how destructive the relationship is for the victim, he or she feels compelled to stay in it anyway. The victim may have had low self-esteem to begin with. The emotional abuser’s treatment of the victim often serves to reduce the victim’s feelings of ability, worth, and mental stability enough that leaving seems like a scary adventure. The concept of loyalty also keeps people in relationships, and while this can have a positive and cementing effect in a healthy relationship, in an emotionally abusive relationship it is often a misapplied concept. Here are 3 ways loyalty is misplaced in an emotionally abusive relationship:
1. The victim may confuse fear with loyalty. True loyalty comes from a place of love, concern, and consideration for your partner’s feelings. If you’re acting a certain way out of fear of what your partner might do to you if he or she found out, that’s fear for your safety rather than genuine loyalty to the relationship.
2. The definition of loyalty is likely to be defined by the abuser. Emotionally abusive relationships are all about control, as the abuser will often place restrictions and definitions on acceptable behavior in the relationship, regardless of whether or not it is reasonable or shows any respect for the other person’s autonomy. For example, for an abuser, “loyalty” could be defined as spending time with no one but the abuser, abandoning friends and family. In a healthy relationship, this would not be required or labeled as loyalty.
3. The victim may experience guilt and label it loyalty. It is common for the abuser to blame the victim for “causing” him or her to behave in an abusive way. This can cause the victim to question reality and undeservedly blame themselves. This self-blame can translate into guilt and shape certain behaviors designed to compensate for the cause of the problem, but this is not loyalty.
Leave a Reply