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Dating Advice For Women – I’m Seeing This Guy – The Indefinite Relationship

Last week, a client called to discuss her current dating experience. Roseanne mentioned that she is dating a boy. Something like? What does that mean?

I have heard this term before in fact from a man. In fact, now that I think about it, it seems to crop up from time to time. “Kind of” seeing someone is a phrase that means that the situation is currently undefined.

Roseanne explained that Bart doesn’t want to define the relationship. The keyword there if you ask me is RELATIONSHIP! You may not want to define it, but that doesn’t change the fact that they ARE IN a relationship whether you like it or not. What type of relationship? Well that’s another story.

Indefinite usually means casual, as in non-serious, that is, not committed. Could you be seeing others? Maybe, maybe not. It’s hard to tell since it’s not defined, right? But it implies a certain freedom.

When I asked Roseanne how often she sees Bart, her answer took me by surprise: four times a week! That’s enough for an indefinite relationship. I was curious how you feel about this man you spend so much time with. It turns out that it occupies 75% of your heart (obviously an approximation).

With three-quarters of her personality and heart centered on Bart, Roseanne is not really available to date other people. Just from a simple time perspective, she doesn’t have it. But from an emotional point of view, she is not really open to others. She likes Bart and hopes that he will soon be willing to define her situation.

And to be fair to Bart, it’s only been three months. It is still early.

In a dilemma about how to proceed, Roseanne and I brainstormed some ideas. She is not ready to go, nor should she. But she doesn’t want to be exclusive when she’s not in an exclusive relationship – smart cookie. The result is that he has decided to keep seeing Bart, but not as often. Maybe twice a week instead of four times. That will leave her free to meet new prospects in case Bart decides he never wants more from this relationship than something casual.

This is where Roseanne and I talk about dating her head and her heart. It is not an easy thing to do, but a very sensible one. She admitted that after three more months of this rhythm, she would be completely absorbed and in love. By stepping back a bit, Roseanne gives Bart time to think and herself a chance to protect her heart and meet new people.

If you find yourself in this situation, don’t despair. If you are looking for casual fun, then no problem. But if you want a lasting love and marriage, think about how you could minimize the negative risk and enjoy the experience for what it is: meeting someone to see if there IS long-term potential. That’s the whole point of dating, or data gathering, as I call the process.

Just because you are dating does not mean you are in a relationship. When you define dating in this way, you can really help keep a clear head and an open heart to find the right partner who is ready for you.