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There is a big difference between being nice and being passive

Objectively, if you looked at the human race, you might be convinced that something is wrong with a species that seems to repel and reject nice people on a regular basis. I see countless evidence of “nice” people taking advantage, trampling, ignoring, rejecting, and criticizing. However, when you look closely at these examples, you invariably find that these nice people do indeed engage in passive behavior and ignore their own needs, wants, and longings to please others. Hence why it is easy to confuse kindness with passivity.

So what is the difference between kindness and passivity?

Being a good person goes hand in hand with considering the needs of others, being kind, generous, helping and supporting those in need. However, when these qualities occur at the expense of your own needs, wants, and desires on a regular basis, they translate into passive behavior. The main problem with being passive under the guise of kindness is that it often results in resentment and anger, which in turn makes you no longer want to be kind.

Being passive also tends to bring out the worst in others because people tend to assume that the nice person will be more accommodating and less likely to complain when things don’t go their way.

The reason many nice people avoid being assertive is that they are driven by the need to please others. Therefore, expressing conflicting opinions can be very scary for a passively nice person, as it has the potential to upset others and have negative consequences (eg, rejection and criticism).

The most fascinating aspect of passive behavior is that it ends up leading to the same negative results that were originally feared. In other words, passively nice people want to avoid being criticized, but through passive behavior they are likely to end up being criticized anyway.

If you are a passively nice person, it is very important to make the distinction between being kind and passive and challenging your underlying fears that drive you to behave passively. You can still be a good person, but don’t allow your behavior to be predominantly driven by the needs and wants of others. This is particularly important when you commit to doing something with another nice person and someone you are afraid to say “no” to asks you to do something at the same time. In this case, it is likely that you will also choose the person who is scary and assume that the good person will be fine. Behaving in exactly the way that you don’t like in others.

While there will always be times when it is necessary to put the needs of others before your own, during these times it is important to ensure that you are respected and appreciated. For example, setting limits on how your children should speak to you (showing appreciation with words like please and thank you).

Also, while being “calm” may be an energy you aspire to have, don’t confuse it with being easy to convince. It’s okay to agree to things if you don’t really care, but if you’re happy, at least seek clarification and ask if there is any opportunity to alter things more to your liking.

Aspire to be a good person, but try not to aspire to be passive.